Friday, December 25, 2009

The Most Thoughtful Gift Ever

My 18 year old sister got me this engraved hip flask. There's already
bourbon in it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

True Tales From My Inbox: "Pray"

Some ridiculous Motherfucker just sent me this event invite:

Monday, December 21, 2009

True Tales From My Inbox: "You Should Be In Porn"

This morning I got a message on the ol' myspace page, from some random weirdo, soliciting me to appear in an adult film. This is the conversation that ensued, word for word, atrocious grammar intact. Feel free to act out this exchange as if it were a play.
Names have been changed to prevent publicity.

------------ Original Message ------------

Him: wanna do porn?

Me: Not with you pal.

Him: nope im recruiting for my home girl she has yahoo messenger if u wanna talk to her bout it

Me: Who's your girl, what's she look like, has she had a blood test, who's filming it, and how much does it pay?

Him: My girl [REDACTED] she has yahoo messenger if u wanna talk to her

Me: Yeah, you said that already.

Him: sry i meant to ask if u have yahoo messenger her sn is [REDACTED]

Me: I generally handle business over the phone.
The number's on my page.
Tell her to get at me & we'll hammer something out.

Him: Well she like to handle business via internet till she hires a scretary but she needs money for that i'm just the messenger i'm also guessing cuz she can do an online interview or chat wit cam n pics

Me: Well, I have a lot of shit on my plate, and I can't sit on a computer all day with some chick interviewing for a role in some shitty porn flick.

Him: together the interview will talk 1hr-1hr n 1/2

Me: And it would take 10 minutes on the phone. Tell this bitch to get her shit together.

Him: well if u sent the pics while chatting with her then ya it would take like 30 mins its her first time

Me: I don't have time for that shit. There are pics and videos of me all over the Internet. If you want me in the film, act like a fucking professional & handle your shit properly. No more myspace messages, no instant messages. If I don't hear a human voice on the other end of my phone, I'm not dealing with you kids.

Him: umm its a comapny trying to start up im just helpin in online recruiment i told u where to go if u wanted to get things set up n i understand u have pics n vids online but the company is goin to need nudes cuz its an adult film

Me: It all sounds like bullshit to me.

Him: take a risk

Me: Go fuck yourself.

Him: y??? u could do it for me i was making a simple suggestion

Me: I thought I was pretty clear about this. I'm not fucking with any of this bullshit. I don't know you, I don't owe you shit, I really don't care about being in this alleged film enough to deal with this nonsense, and I'm not sending pictures of my dick to a random yahoo address.
So fuck off & good luck.

end conversation.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Rock Star Treatment

This morning, the girl at DunkinDonuts gave me a free coffee with this written on it.
I have no idea how she knows my name, but I think I'll be frequenting that particular shop, if there's free coffee in it for me.
Next time, how about a blowjob instead of a kiss?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Monday, December 7, 2009

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Friday, December 4, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

How to contact that nerdy motherfucker fOREVERMAN

I've been doing a lot of re-organizing the last few days, streamlining my communication tactics.
I just wanted to put up a comprehensive list of all the avenues through which you can contact my dorky technologically-inclined ass.

Not that I think I'm some kind of rock-star or anything, but I'm about as close as you can get to that without a business manager, record label, or PR representative.
There are a LOT of folks out there that I need to keep up with, and the shit just gets tedious sometimes. So hopefully this little list will put any confusion or miscommunications to rest.

-The preferred method of communication is an old-school phone call.
If you have some important information to relay, don't fuck around with internet bullshit, just call me & hammer the shit out.
My number is 631-546-8139.
That is my actual cellphone. If you call it, I'll answer, and we can fuckin talk.
Unless you have a blocked number, in which case I won't answer, and you can blow me.
If you prank call me, and it isn't funny, expect the same ten-fold.

-Don't bother texting me. I won't respond.

-Send an email to
All emails get sent directly to my phone, and I do my best to respond to all pertinent communique in a timely fashion.

-My screenname on Google Wave is thatmffm.
I'm still figuring that shit out... haven't even watched the whole demo video yet... but feel free to add me to your contacts.

-My Twitter screenname is @thatmffm.
My tweets are stupid & unfunny.

-My Nimbuzz screenname is thatmffm.
Nimbuzz is apparently some kind of IM aggregator... still figuring it out.

-My Skype screenname is thatmffm.
I don't really use this shit, except through Nimbuzz.

-My Ping screenname is thatmffm.
Anyone with an iPhone can hit me up through here.

-My WhosHere screenname is thatmffm.
This shit is stupid, but I'm on there.

-My iChess/GameKnot screenname is thatmffm.
Hit me up on there to get your ass handed to you in a timeless game of strategy & deception.

-My Youtube screenname is thatmffm.
Videos of myself, my shows, my friends, & my role models.

-My Break! screenname is thatmffm.
Haven't uploaded anything there yet... maybe one day.

-My Reddit screenname is thatmffm.
Yeah, I'm a redditor.

-My BobbaBar screenname is thatmffm.
This shit is totally useless. Don't expect to see much of me there. Although my avatar is kinda cool.

-My Soundclick screenname is fOREVERMAN.
Free downloadable music & whatnot.

-My Fubar/LostCherry/CherryTap screenname is fOREVERMAN.
Sensory overload, this shit. Next to useless to me.

-My Potspace screenname is fOREVERMAN.
Smoke em if ya got em.

-My Myjuggalospace screenname is fOREVERMAN.
I used this mostly for promotion when I was booked at GOTJ, but the interface went all to hell, so fuck it i guess.

-My Myspace account is
If you still get down on the ol' space.

-My Facebook account is registered under "Ron Schroeder".
Yeah, my real name. Want to fight about it?

-My screenname on YIM is fmdeathfunk.
I rarely sign on to that shit though.

-My screenname on AIM/Lifestream is either FMDEATHFUNK or THATMFFM.
The accounts are linked, so hit me up through either one of those if you see me online.

-Leave a Comment on this Blog.

-Use your telepathy.

-If all else fails, contact the Clark County Probation department. They know where to find me.

Hope this helped.

* Edit- Just re-read this post, and goddamn, I'm a fucking dweeb apparently.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009