Earlier Today, my phone rang.
Random (631) Number.
I answered it.
Some guy says "Yo BJ!".
And I'm like "What?".
And he says "Beeeeee Jaaaaaaaay!?".
And I'm like "Are you trying to give me a blowjob, ya fuckin weirdo?".
So he says to me "I'm looking for BJ, and if you ain't him, then I got the wrong number, dick."
So I laughed.
And he hung up.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Barbed Wire 2X4
This is some shitty cameraphone footage of some bloody guy, Beelzebitch, and myself, pummeling Dammit with a 2X4 wrapped in barbed wire around 6 or 7 in the morning after a long night at Club Chaos.
Thought you might kind of enjoy it.
Thought you might kind of enjoy it.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Pot Calls The Kettle What?
I get a lot of hatemail, but I was particularly amused by this little gem.
It came from a midwest suburban rapper that added me to his myspace friends list,
who spits about shooting people,
does photo shoots in his moms living room,
lists the Insane Clown Posse and Esham as influences on his profile,
and shamelessly tacked on his faux-blood logo to the end of the message.
He's obviously got a chip on his shoulder, and is in denial of the fact that all the insults he threw at me should have been directed at himself.
Here's the conversation that ensued- Green text is my response, Orange text is his.
We're both assholes, but at least I realize it.
It came from a midwest suburban rapper that added me to his myspace friends list,
who spits about shooting people,
does photo shoots in his moms living room,
lists the Insane Clown Posse and Esham as influences on his profile,
and shamelessly tacked on his faux-blood logo to the end of the message.
He's obviously got a chip on his shoulder, and is in denial of the fact that all the insults he threw at me should have been directed at himself.
Here's the conversation that ensued- Green text is my response, Orange text is his.
We're both assholes, but at least I realize it.
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Most Thoughtful Gift Ever
bourbon in it.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
True Tales From My Inbox: "You Should Be In Porn"
This morning I got a message on the ol' myspace page, from some random weirdo, soliciting me to appear in an adult film. This is the conversation that ensued, word for word, atrocious grammar intact. Feel free to act out this exchange as if it were a play.
Names have been changed to prevent publicity.
------------ Original Message ------------
Him: wanna do porn?
Me: Not with you pal.
Him: nope im recruiting for my home girl she has yahoo messenger if u wanna talk to her bout it
Me: Who's your girl, what's she look like, has she had a blood test, who's filming it, and how much does it pay?
Him: My girl [REDACTED] she has yahoo messenger if u wanna talk to her
Me: Yeah, you said that already.
Him: sry i meant to ask if u have yahoo messenger her sn is [REDACTED]
Me: I generally handle business over the phone.
The number's on my page.
Tell her to get at me & we'll hammer something out.
Him: Well she like to handle business via internet till she hires a scretary but she needs money for that i'm just the messenger i'm also guessing cuz she can do an online interview or chat wit cam n pics
Me: Well, I have a lot of shit on my plate, and I can't sit on a computer all day with some chick interviewing for a role in some shitty porn flick.
Him: together the interview will talk 1hr-1hr n 1/2
Me: And it would take 10 minutes on the phone. Tell this bitch to get her shit together.
Him: well if u sent the pics while chatting with her then ya it would take like 30 mins its her first time
Me: I don't have time for that shit. There are pics and videos of me all over the Internet. If you want me in the film, act like a fucking professional & handle your shit properly. No more myspace messages, no instant messages. If I don't hear a human voice on the other end of my phone, I'm not dealing with you kids.
Him: umm its a comapny trying to start up im just helpin in online recruiment i told u where to go if u wanted to get things set up n i understand u have pics n vids online but the company is goin to need nudes cuz its an adult film
Me: It all sounds like bullshit to me.
Him: take a risk
Me: Go fuck yourself.
Him: y??? u could do it for me i was making a simple suggestion
Me: I thought I was pretty clear about this. I'm not fucking with any of this bullshit. I don't know you, I don't owe you shit, I really don't care about being in this alleged film enough to deal with this nonsense, and I'm not sending pictures of my dick to a random yahoo address.
So fuck off & good luck.
-fM
end conversation.
Names have been changed to prevent publicity.
------------ Original Message ------------
Him: wanna do porn?
Me: Not with you pal.
Him: nope im recruiting for my home girl she has yahoo messenger if u wanna talk to her bout it
Me: Who's your girl, what's she look like, has she had a blood test, who's filming it, and how much does it pay?
Him: My girl [REDACTED] she has yahoo messenger if u wanna talk to her
Me: Yeah, you said that already.
Him: sry i meant to ask if u have yahoo messenger her sn is [REDACTED]
Me: I generally handle business over the phone.
The number's on my page.
Tell her to get at me & we'll hammer something out.
Him: Well she like to handle business via internet till she hires a scretary but she needs money for that i'm just the messenger i'm also guessing cuz she can do an online interview or chat wit cam n pics
Me: Well, I have a lot of shit on my plate, and I can't sit on a computer all day with some chick interviewing for a role in some shitty porn flick.
Him: together the interview will talk 1hr-1hr n 1/2
Me: And it would take 10 minutes on the phone. Tell this bitch to get her shit together.
Him: well if u sent the pics while chatting with her then ya it would take like 30 mins its her first time
Me: I don't have time for that shit. There are pics and videos of me all over the Internet. If you want me in the film, act like a fucking professional & handle your shit properly. No more myspace messages, no instant messages. If I don't hear a human voice on the other end of my phone, I'm not dealing with you kids.
Him: umm its a comapny trying to start up im just helpin in online recruiment i told u where to go if u wanted to get things set up n i understand u have pics n vids online but the company is goin to need nudes cuz its an adult film
Me: It all sounds like bullshit to me.
Him: take a risk
Me: Go fuck yourself.
Him: y??? u could do it for me i was making a simple suggestion
Me: I thought I was pretty clear about this. I'm not fucking with any of this bullshit. I don't know you, I don't owe you shit, I really don't care about being in this alleged film enough to deal with this nonsense, and I'm not sending pictures of my dick to a random yahoo address.
So fuck off & good luck.
-fM
end conversation.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Rock Star Treatment
I have no idea how she knows my name, but I think I'll be frequenting that particular shop, if there's free coffee in it for me.
Next time, how about a blowjob instead of a kiss?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
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